This Was A Terrible Plan
by Sir-Mercutio-McHuffer
Summary: Joining Starfleet, in hindsight, may not have been one of Kirian's better ideas. She's surrounded by hormonal children, and her academic advisor is borderline insane. And then she gets assigned to the Enterprise: the highest concentration of crazy people Starfleet has to offer, all on one big boat.
1. Chapter 1

**AN:** Well I'm starting a new fic, while everything I am currently writing is still sort of not really going forward. Because my brain won't shut up! It's _electrified_.

Before we begin, first and most importantly: this is pure self gratification. I'm writing these OCs because I like them. They're going to be strong. They're going to be smart. They're going to have sass like you would not believe. They are going to be BAMFs. There's going to be Spock/Kirk. There's going to be Sulu/Chekov. There's going to be love and feels. There's _definitely_ going to be a bit of crack. Hopefully well written crack, but some of this shit, man... some of it you might want to be drunk for.

Now that I've scared almost everyone off, I need to explain a bit of background to this. I got the Star Trek bug. I then infected my new flatmate, Beloved-Stranger. Her brain then caught fire and created this hilarious race with their fantastic backstory, which electrified my own brain and out popped Kirian. So now we've got these concurrent stories. Her people will appear in my fic (and a few of her ideas - just you wait), and my own will appear in hers. The race is ENTIRELY hers. Complete with the sass-on-a-stick that's almost a genetic trait in these guys.

And then I played Star Trek Online again, and that Captain and her crew are going to make an appearance, too. She's got her own story that I'm writing which will be a lot darker, and a lot shorter. At least until she appears in this.

This is also part of the unofficially titled "Vulcan Take Two: Electric Boogaloo!" series.

**Disclaimer:** If you recognise it, I don't own it. Or there would be sooooo much Spirk going on in cannon.

This is fresh-off-my-brain and un-beta'd.

* * *

When Kirian was three years old, she looked up at _anah_ and _mama_, slapped her hand on her Big Book of Space, and announced with all the solemnity a three year old could muster: "I want a spaceship."

_Mama_ and _anah_ shared an indulgent smile before carding their fingers through Kirian's locks.

When _papa_ came home that evening, he lifted his youngest up and planted a kiss in her curls. "Then a spaceship you shall have."

* * *

When Kirian was thirteen, she looked up at _anah_ from her astrophysics homework and said, "I want to join Starfleet." _Anah_ pursed her lips briefly before ruffling Kirian's hair.

"We'll talk about that when you're older."

* * *

When Kirian was eighteen, she bounced home, threw open the front door, and announced to the house: "I'm going to apply to Starfleet!"

"No," said _mama_.

"No," said _anah_.

"No," said _papa_.

Kirian did not speak to them for a week.

* * *

When Kirian was 23, she graduated from xenomedical with high distinction, specialising as a xeno-paramedic.

The next day she walked into the Emergency Terrestrial Services in her newly pressed medic uniform.

_Mama_'s smile could not be contained.

_Anah_ cried her joy.

_Papa_'s eyes crinkled in the corners and looked suspiciously damp.

* * *

When Kirian was 27, she vidcalled her parents from her room on the Emergency Space Services' space station between missions.

"It's time I applied to Starfleet."

_Mama_ smiled. _Anah_ looked worried. _Papa_ nodded.

"You're old enough to know what is right for you."

* * *

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	2. Chapter 2

**AN:** This is fresh-off-my-brain and un-beta'd. I own nothing you recognise. Yes this is a (slight) homage to Mass Effect. Which I love.

**Edit:** Because I'm a nong and am not very good with ranks, I changed Shep from Commander to Admiral. He's an old hat. He made it there.

* * *

As it turned out, _papa_ had been a bit of a wild child in his youth and, during his travels, had met up with some 'young and upstanding Starfleet cadets'.

There was murmurings involving 'two weeks', 'booze' and 'orgy', and many amused looks shared between _mama_ and _anah_. As it turned out, the cadet _papa_ remembered most fondly just so happened to now be a Admiral at Starfleet. So _papa_ made the call to a surprised, but not unpleased, Admiral Shepard.

"And to what do I owe the pleasure of your pretty face, Platt?" He was a wry old man, and an _absolute_ silver fox. Vibrant green eyes set in a pleasingly symmetrical and masculine face, the lines around his eyes and lips adding a certain air of distinguished dignity.

Which was immediately destroyed when _papa_ batted his eyelashes coyly and replied "was there a time limit on that booty call you promised me?" After a moment of stunned silence from _both_ sides of the video, Admiral Shepard threw his head back and roared his laughter.

"Good to see some people don't change!" Kirian moaned her mortification and wondered if she could slink out of the room unnoticed. _Anah_ and _mama_'s shared grin was almost as creepy as the thought of _papa_ corrupting innocent Starfleet cadets.

"Well, now, Shepard, I don't think I've introduced you to my lovely wives," _papa_ continued. Shepard snorted.

"You didn't just manage to convince _one_ woman to tolerate you, but _two_? Do they have any sisters?" the Admiral's grin widened. "Or brothers." _Anah_ laughed.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Admiral Shepard," _mama_ said, hands placed demurely in her lap and a fiendish twinkle in her eye. Kirian had a sudden suspicion that _papa_ hadn't been the only wild child... "And he didn't really have much choice in the matter." Admiral Shepard's eyebrows rose.

"I like her," the Admiral directed at _papa_, who positively _preened_.

"In truth we sort of … well, I'm sure there were handcuffs involved. By the end of it he'd agreed to marry us," _anah_ said. _Really_ not something one wants to know about one's parents. Even if she had heard the story before. It was _papa_'s favourite party story – the tale of two beautiful women who spotted him on the shuttle home from his planetary adventures and talked him into marrying them.

Admiral Shepard's grin was even wider. "I've clearly got to come visit one day."

"Well _we_ might be visiting _you_ one of these days," _papa_ said.

"If your lovely wives are coming along for the booty call – I suppose I can give you an extension on that – I'll roll out the damn red carpet myself." His green eyes twinkled at them over the vid comm, and Kirian was really starting to get why her _papa_ liked this guy.

She'd always been told she was her father's daughter. Maybe there was something in this genetics thing.

"We'll see when we book our trip. In the meantime, I'd like you to meet my youngest, Kirian, who's been nagging me since she was fifteen-"

"Thirteen," _anah_ corrected.

"-since she was _thirteen_ to join Starfleet." Kirian popped into the frame and waved. Admiral Shepard's eyebrows nearly kissed his hair.

"And you're letting her come here? You do remember what happened when one of you lot met up with some _impressionable young Starfleet cadets_ last time?"

"Well it's all a wee bit hazy during those couple of weeks, but I do remember there being a lot of pizza boxes in the aftermath," _papa_ looked a bit sheepish.

"_Two weeks_? Platt, it we spent a _month_ in that house. I regained lucidity two days before term started for the year."

"Uh, well, that is to say … my daughter is a bit more responsible than me?"

"He's telling porkies, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree with this one," _anah_ commented.

"Dear lord, do I really want your spawn on an entire _campus_ of impressionable young Starfleet cadets?" Admiral Shepard massaged his forehead with his hand, shoulders heaving with suppressed mirth.

"Course you do, Shep! Just think, _you_ would be the one to finally sign one of us up. Won't that look good? And really, she's much more sensible than I was at her age, I can't imagine she'll get into _that_ much trouble." The Admiral's short bark of laughter devolved into fully fledged cackling.

"Oh if she's anything like you, she's going to be a pain in my arse."

"Not a literal one, I hope," _papa_ replied with a cackle. The Admiral's face scrunched up in the way of a man who's only just realised his double entendre and is torn between laughter and mortification. He settled for a small coughing fit before levelling his gaze at Kirian, who was now wishing the ground would open up and remove her from this room.

"Well, girl, you send me your Starfleet application direct and I'll take it from there. Have you done any tertiary level education?"

"Yes, sir, xenomedical with high distinction."

"Well I don't think you'll have much of a challenge with the entrance examinations. My assistant will contact you about them, and she'll organise your travel and accommodation. I've got a few connections with the Academy heads, I'll see what useful things I can ruffle up. Oh, remember Pamela?"

"Pam? She was the one with the...?" _Papa_ made some peculiar gesture with his fingers.

"Yeah, her! Well she's now pretty much running the gig at the Academy, although don't let the boys hear that, they'd have caniptions."

"I always knew she'd do great things, just not quite what I thought she'd be doing."

"Yeah, tell me about it. Anyway I'd better head off before my two ic comes and hunts me down. I'm on the run from her. Don't ask, long story, but replicators can't make bacon like you can. Or like I can, for that matter." Admiral Shepard's head whipped up as they heard the door chime. "Send me that application and I'll have it dealt to. Shepard out!" The comm blinked to black and _papa_ rocked back to grin at a stunned Kirian.

"Well, you did say you wanted to join Starfleet."

* * *

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	3. Chapter 3

**AN:** I own nothing you recognise. I also don't own Ozzie Kilburn, the House Alliance, the E.S.S., the E.T.S., the Moons, Buzz 7 or Gully.

Also yes, Chambers is THAT Chambers. Although I don't think she has that outfit.

This is fresh-off-my-brain and un-beta'd.

* * *

Lieutenant Commander Chambers, Admiral Shepard's 'two IC', contacted Kirian the very next day. She was a majestic woman with fiery red hair flecked with white and cold green eyes. The next academic year wouldn't begin for another two months, but given her (very) late application, she was due to sit her entrance examinations two weeks hence. This would give them enough time to grade her, and, if she was accepted, find her suitable on-campus lodging for the year.

"It's unlikely you will be required to share a dormitory," Lieutenant Commander Chambers said dryly. "I spoke with Mr Kilburn at the House Alliance about the logistics your residence at the Academy Dormitories. He indicated to me that it would be unsuitable for you to share quarters, and that you would require a single physician for your medical care." Bless him. Kirian made a mental note to send chocolates to Ozzie in thanks.

"Admiral Shepard has decided that your entrance to the Academy as the first of your localle will not be broadcasted. It will not be a secret but he advises a certain prudence in whom you speak to with regards to this," Lieutenant Commander Chambers continued.

Kirian nodded solemnly. This, too, was largely expected. The Moons weren't exactly a well known destination, especially given their location.

"Mr Kilburn and I have organised your transport. A shuttle will depart from the E.S.S. Space Station at thirteen hundred in two days, and will rendezvous with the USS Republic as it passes. You will arrive at the Earth Spacedock in just over a week, where you will be met by your Academic Advisor." Lieutenant Commander Chambers gave her a wry smile. "I look forward to meeting you in due course."

Kirian grinned in reply. "I look forward to it myself." The screen blinked out and she spun on her chair, slapping hands to knees and launching herself up into her tiny E.S.S. cabin.

Her family came to the station to see her off. Well, two of her seven brothers did, as well as _mama_, _anah_ and _papa_. Tom, the eldest of them all, lifted her and spun them.

"Don't be too shocking, Trouble," Lori said as he stepped in for his turn to play Spin The Kirian.

"And don't do anything I wouldn't do," Tom added, patting her mussed hair as she was deposited back on her feet.

"Yeah that doesn't rule out much!" _anah_ frowned disapprovingly at her spawn.

Tom wrapped an arm around _anah_'s waist and twirled her, dropping a smooch to the crown of her head. "Oh _mama_, you know there's something in this genetics business." His response was a smack to the arm.

"Have fun, don't misbehave too much, I don't want Shep calling me up to whinge about you," _papa_ said as he took his own turn for a hug.

"Oh he knows what to expect," _anah_ said, taking Kirian's arm and wrapping her up in a hug and smooches.

"No doubt he will call you regardless to tell you of the exploits your spawn is getting up to," _mama_ continued, joining in the hug and giving _papa_ the Raised Eyebrow Look that said 'she's _your_ child_'. _

_Papa_ sighed. Whenever the kids did something good, they were their mother's children. Whenever they did something naughty, his wives would get that _look_ and suddenly they were just _his_ children. It really wasn't fair.

When his only daughter was finally given to him, he clapped both hands on her shoulders. With all the serious and dignity of his advancing years, he said "if Shep's going to call, make sure it's about something _really_ spectacular." Kirian grinned in response, clamping her arms around his ribs in a wheeze-inducing hug.

"I'll try to make you proud, _papa_," she mumbled into his chest.

"I have no doubt you will, you are my daughter after all," _papa_ said into her hair.

Eventually disentangling herself from her family, Kirian made her way into the shuttle bay, where Buzz 7 crouched in all its mantis-like glory. Gully, all byronic curls and broad grin, helped her into the door hatch and secured it behind her.

"Next stop, Republic!"

* * *

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End file.
